Certified analysis of coffee ring formation. Every test is official. Every mug is removed.
The Coffee Ring Lab exists to place mugs of coffee onto an untreated tabletop and certify the resulting ring using instruments only the Bureau can see.
Every placement generates its own Ring Number, its own Diameter, Shape, Opacity, and Emotional Residue reading, and its own permanent entry in the table's certified ring archive.
Each test measures Ring Diameter, Ring Shape, Opacity, and Emotional Residue, regardless of how the mug was actually set down, what it actually contained, or whether a coffee ring can be meaningfully archaeologized at all.
All readings are generated within severities the Bureau considers scientifically unimpeachable. There is no archaeologist. There is no Bureau.
Every mug is discreetly removed immediately after its ring is certified, clearing the table for the next specimen. The Bureau does not disclose where the mugs go.
Specimens may be retested by placing another mug. The Bureau will apply exactly the same rigor to the retest as to the original test, which is to say, none.
The Coffee Ring Lab is provided for entertainment purposes only. No tabletops were harmed, and no emotional residue was meaningfully analyzed in the making of any certificate.